March 21, 2022

Over the last twenty years, the Enneagram has gained greater public recognition in the United States. It is increasingly common to hear people speak of the Enneagram “types,” with varying degrees of accuracy (myself included!). We know from our attention to the Law of One that there is much more than “type knowledge” to be gained from the Enneagram. As a holistic system, the Enneagram invites us inside ourselves to notice, through a loving lens, the ways we navigate life. It then suggests alternatives, should we be interested. 

The implications of the Law of One (that everything belongs) for how we live could fill a book, but we are going to pivot and look at the second of three laws reflected in the Enneagram: the Law of Three. This law is imaged by the triangle nestled within the circle. 

The Law of Three is the Enneagram’s reminder of the truth that decision making, and conflict resolution are less Either/Or operations than Both/And operations. It is a great temptation to take the quicker Either/Or route and, in so doing, to simply eliminate what we oppose. If this were possible, why would we not do so? The Law of Three, positioned right smack in the middle of the Enneagram, is a constant reminder that this Either/Or approach does not actually deliver on what it promises, that is, a durable resolution. 

The truth is we do not have the power to eliminate what we are opposed to. But we do have the power to work with it. The Both/And represents an alternative to the Either/Or approach, taking what both voices bring and making a third thing, a third way forward. 

Over this month and the next, we will follow the Law of Three, looking more deeply into this invitation within the Enneagram. For now, let’s notice our Either/Ors and begin to wonder how they might be limiting us as we seek resolution. -Sali

The truth of the Law of One—that nothing is separate from, but rather everything is part of—is truly mind blowing to the ego, which believes the inverse. Ego has us believing that there is limited room at the table. If you are there, there may not be room for me. Ego has us believing that we need to work to belong—and then continue to work to maintain that belonging. That we need to concern ourselves with what others are contributing and compare that to our contribution to ensure our continued place. This is Ego’s attempt to help us avoid suffering, but you see the constant suffering happening here.

As we pause to take notice, we can become aware of this never-ending, anxiety-provoking rat race—and stop.

Stopping is one of the most terrifying movements in transformation work, but without it nothing new will ever have a chance to grow. Stopping brings us to that empty, dark, and terrifying place of holding back from applying our worn out, ineffective band aids and simply waiting. And if we can tolerate this, even a bit, something amazing wafts in on the breeze, something new and oftentimes not all that formed. If we can hang in there, this new thing has a chance to grow inside of us and outside of us. We can become reacquainted with the old truth that had been planted deep within us, We Already Belong! We never lost the belonging that we have been working so hard to compete for. There is no separateness that is operating to take any one of us outside of the whole. We belong and are safe to enjoy each other and the wonderful contributions we and others bring to the table.

When talking about the Enneagram types, something that has felt a bit off for me is a bent toward the low side of each type. I often hear people speaking of their type with the low descriptors, giving no amplitude to the high descriptors, as though these high ones don’t exist. In my teaching I have come to use the labels “Gift” for the high side and “Defensive Strategy” for the low side of each type. While the Defensive Strategy behaviors may be more easily identified as we begin our transformation work, the invitation of this work is to move into the Gifting of our type. 

In this transformation work we look with love at the Defensive Strategy and, as a result, come to understand it better. In love we recognize the promises it has made (a way out of suffering) but that it has been unable to deliver. This recognition then enables us to loosen our grip on our defensive strategy as the answer to suffering and invites us to step toward Gift. Remembering the Law of One, we have no need to throw our defensive strategy away: we know everything belongs, both gift and defense. Instead, we can now decide which of the two we practice in the moment. And because our choice will not change our status within the circle of belonging, we are free to try and fail, try and succeed, or decide to try another time. Love is patient, Love is kind.

The Enneagram holds many aspects (core type, wings, arrows, centers of intelligence, instincts, virtues and vices, holy ideas and fixations, stances, etc.) that all affect how we operate in the world. This is one of the reasons I find the Enneagram so fascinating and helpful. It is as if there are multiple transparent overlays stacked upon one another, revealing this amazingly intricate system that gives me insight into what is going on with me and helps me see how I move about in the world. But to take in these many aspects of me, I must approach this stack of transparencies and the picture they reveal with Love. 

We cannot see, we cannot keep our eyes open to all that is true about us, without the presence of Love to guide and hold us when we encounter our more challenging pieces. Knowing there exists no trap doors out of the circle of belonging, knowing there is no snare we can step on that will cause us to be ejected, that is the wonderful gift Love gives us all. And it is because of this gift that we can hold open our eyes and see ourselves, just as we are, as we travel the path of awareness and growth. I like the picture of a mother hen gathering all her chicks—the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful—and proclaiming, “You are mine! You are mine!” That is Love. 

The Law of One, depicted by the circle that holds the nine points together, says every part belongs.

I want us to begin together in that lovely place of safety. Let’s start with the practice that everything belongs, which means all of me, all of you, and all of everything. Nothing has been kicked out! Often, we don’t mind kicking certain things to the curb but don’t want what we value to be kicked to the curb. Instead, here we are beginning in a place where nothing gets judged as out of place. This concept-turned-practice can be very challenging, but let’s challenge ourselves.

Today, play around with this picture and explore what it is like to believe and practice welcoming every part of ourselves, every part of whoever is with us, and every part of what is happening. This is not denial. This is not indifference. This is a beginning place that can calm and center us for right action—and can lead us to some surprising consequences. Beginning with a YES to what is, rather than a protesting NO, opens us up to what our NO might have missed. But don’t take my word for it—see what you find!

Sali Honess-Ondrey, Certified Spiritual Director, LCSW